Karma’s Record, Golf & Bong Hits

Two days into the Open, post cut, heading into Moving Day, and I’m sure we’re all wondering how blog Kharma is doing if she was betting in Vegas.  Let’s look at every golfer in the field that has been mentioned thus far:

Kharma opens w a record of  0-0

Ian Poulter: +1  T11
Kharma goes 0-1
We gave a jab to Ian on Day 1 for slipping Rory a Royal Diss’ing on the range during a practice round but it appears that at +1 T11 Ian is impervious to all things spiritual.  He has spit in the face of ethereal influence saying “Screw you fate, I’m going to shoot well and ignore you!”  Quite a talent, many people say that Ian just doesn’t have the talent to play as well as he does or finish as high as he does, yet he invariably hangs around leader boards at big tourneys late into Sunday.  It could very well be that his incredibly valuable and self absorbed “Suck my Destiny” attitude keeps him playing at a high level against all Kharmic odds.

Rory McIlroy: +12  Missed Cut
Kharma comes back to even 1-1
Rory was mentioned here 2 days ago and has had an absolutely horrifying Open. I followed him for a few holes on the back 9 yesterday and though he was scrambling around, making some long putts, and saving a few pars here and there, he really looked like he had given up and didn’t care much.  He was way out of it by then and wasn’t going to make the cut, but it was very apparent to everyone in the gallery that he wasn’t trying very hard, no grinding mentality, and was just going through the motions to finish out the round and get back to his gf that Sir Nick Faldo doesn’t like.
Kharma Says – Don’t shut down loud parties, join them!

Tom Watson: +11  Missed Cut
Kharma takes another loss falling to 1-2
I really thought that Tommy Boy laughing at his own misdirected caddy tirade about the “F*^&ing Marquee” (go read previous blog posts this week if this all sounds Greek to you) would bring him back into the good graces of fate, but alas, Kharma held a grudge and kept his icy grip on Tom’s soul.  I watched Tom play #10 & #11 on Fri w Faldo and Couples and he just didn’t have that snappy Tom swagger, he looked more hunched over and beaten down by a couple of days worth of bogeys. Rumor has it that his hips may have been giving him trouble too. Tom is now on his leisurely way to Birkdale for the Senior Open next week and we all hope he reenergizes himself and has a good showing.

Bubba Watson: +1  T11
Kharma takes another body blow going to 1-3
Bubba doesn’t have a great track record w Kharma this week (after calling the cops on our party!) but like IJP he doesn’t seem to give a shiite either.  In fact these two guys appear to have been granted Kharmic immunity and are actually playing together in the “We don’t give a Shiite” group so these two bad asses may play very well this weekend, if Bubba doesn’t break down in tears on the back 9 Sunday …

David Duval: +13  Missed Cut
Kharm takes a final beat down ending at 1-4
I really thought Kharma had a good shot at this one, David Duval being a Past Open Champion AND being kind to Loudmouth by getting us tix this week – Come On Kharma, how could you!! So the moral to the story is if you’re heading to Vegas, DON’T BET ON KHARMA!

I don’t want to jinx him (which seems to be my wont) but given the proclamation that “Old Guys ROOL” yesterday, I’m riding the back of the pot bellied, wine chugging, cigar smoking, yoga stretching Miguel Angel Jimenez all the way to his 18th green make out session with the Claret Jug! Ya know what, that description of Jimenator is a reasonable description of the male Loudmouth demographic – “pot bellied, wine chugging, cigar smoking, Loudmouth golfer!”  (Coupled with intelligent, funny, and irresistible to women of all ages – notice I left yoga out).  In the pic below taken on the first tee not long after the final teetime on Fri I’m whispering to the wind, “Jimenator … Jimenator …”

The funniest thing I saw yesterday struck home like an X throwing a beer bottle at my head.  It was a very public indication of the unique and close knit relationship between golf and bong hits.  Let’s back up.  I was in the high tech industry for many many years before accidentally (and serendipitously I might add) ending up at the helm of the funniest golf apparel company on the planet.

In those days I was working w 95% male, hard driving, type A personality, nerd boys that were building Intl data communications networks. The most interesting comparison between the high tech industry and apparel is that there are actually WOMEN in the apparel industry – Praise The Lord!  I used to go to high tech tradeshows and not see a woman for three days.  Now when I go to an apparel industry tradeshow I can ignore every guy I see for three days and still do my job. But Loudmouth is in this interesting hybrid category of apparel AND golf and one thing I’ve noticed about the golf industry itself is the massive proliferation of pot smokers in both the sport and the industry. I’m by no means condoning or vilifying, but it pot and golf makes some sense; scientifically trained agronomists run the golf courses (they know how to grow things), great golfing amateurs and professionals alike are well known potheads, and bag boys look like they are stoned all the time, plenty of golf jobs are casual recreation and entertainment based, its a product that fits the sport.

We hear rumors all the time from the Tour that whenever a PGA pro fails the pot pee test that Tim Finchem (aka Finchy) quietly calls them in, shakes his head, clucks his tongue and says, “Please quit smoking pot” (or I’ll tell you the same thing next time you pee positive but sound more disparaging). We never hear about it, the PGA Tour is only bound by a self-imposed ruling to test at all, not to divulge results.  And as far as smoking weed goes, there are so many more helpful drugs to test for (steroids, HGH, etc), who cares if golfers bong hit their brains out, does it really help?  It’s almost legal anyway.  But now that we are talking about prevalent pot smoking in the industry, I was following Phil Fri on the back 9 and as I walked up to #12 I looked across the green at the scoreboard and some pipe hitting, bong toking kid in the scoreboard tent had Zach Johnson’s last name posted upside down!  It was hilarious!!!  You can’t actively take pics during tournament rounds but at least they have eased up on the phone policy at the Open, they aren’t confiscating phones from people sexting their bf or their cousin (my family is from Texas).  I was able to snap a quick pic of the scoreboard but there were so many watchers around the green that I couldn’t get one close enough or clear enough, but trust me when I assure you (as your humble Open Reporter) that the inset is EXACTLY what was inserted on the manual scoreboard by the THC laden teenager working behind the curtain. Zach Johnson was on the 3rd line of the scoreboard and his last name was Upside Down! When I pointed it out to those around me we all roared w laughter and proclaimed the same thing, “POTHEAD!”.  Obviously a trainee bong hitting scorekeeper.

Now I have to get out of here, head over to the Open, and track down that European Tour Chaplain whilst wearing a full Loudmouth suit! Yea, I know, from bong hits to Chaplain, he’s going to rain down holy terror on my head if I get anywhere near him, and in today’s full Paint Balls suit, God will be able to easily target me in the massive crowd all the way from heaven … LJ – still grinding at the Open

[box]Larry Jackson “LJ”
Contributor
CEO of Loudmouth Golf. Bi-coastal resident. SF Giants fan. Private pilot for Loudmouth Air.
His dream foursome would be to play with Will Ferrell, Bobby Farrelly, and Bill Murray. Larry claims he is the best golfer on the Loudmouth team.[/box]